Chick Talk

Welcome to “Chick Talk” which is based on advice I’ve shared with either my 32 year old daughter and others. The thought for this segment of my blog came from a discussion I was having with my 32 year old daughter, who lives on the east coast. She and I are very close and talk about everything, so I said to her jokingly, I should do a segment on my blog called “Chick Talk” where I’ll discuss life, love, and the pursuit of happiness from a Black woman’s perspective. I’ll share my years of wisdom, trials, tribulations and elation with the masses.

These entries are meant to help those that need to hear them. For those that feel they’re missing something from their lives. For those that just want plain and simple advice from a different point of view. I don’t intend to cure the world of its ills or cure a person of their misfortunes in life, but to share my experiences, ones that may differ from what you traditionally believe in. I want to share what I know and what I’ve learned. That’s it and that’s all. So here we are, the first entry and with hopes of many more…

TOPIC: Loneliness

You can feel lonely even when your with someone. You havta learn to be in love with yourself first before you can love someone else. Self love is vital. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel lonely but you can learn to be comfortable with being alone. You have to fill the void with positive energy so it doesn’t feel so desperate.

Hobbies, writing, and being in the moment help with that feeling. Don’t dwell on the past and worry about the future. Just be in the moment for a few minutes every day but leave the past in the past. Past mistakes and past problems only matter if it effects right now (present day) and if that’s the case deal with it in the now, with what you can do about it right now and not what you should’ve done way back then.

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Author’s note: Thank you for stopping by and giving this a read. Comments are always welcomed.

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and healthy.

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Miscommunication (10/18/20 @ 5:38 PM)

You ever hear a voice so fucking sexy and deep,
you melt just a little as this voice numbs your brain,
and you strain to make out what he’s saying?
 
Secreting aroused juices between tightly held thighs
as you think what that voice could do to you and your insides,
wondering if his mouth is as talented as his voice
when it speaks to your feminine wiles

How your nipples perk slightly at your sinful jollies
The hairs rise on the back of your neck
While thinking scandalous thoughts

His mouth on your mouth
Your tongues intermingling as they search
for the back of each other’s throats
 
Fingers grasping at exposed skin
searching for the slightest opening
through fabric protecting your virtue
 
All you want is to hear him say your name
as he groans deep inside your being
You know that shit sounds so good
 
Deep guttural wimps of desire
mixed with passionate moans of lust
released with each stroke

Your body responding relentlessly
in this battle of wills giving you
no opportunity to fight off his frills
 
What’s a girl to do when her defenses
are weakened from just his voice?
Your insides clenching and pulsating
to hold him there with no choice
 
Involuntarily you sweat as you continue to resist
Fighting every urge, you succumbed to his wish,
left with no protection against his pursuit

Your mind and body at odds as he fills you
full of baritone whispers that rattle your 
eardrums to eargasms
Coaxing you to join him in ecstasy,
no defenses to protect you from his physicality

Soon you’re all fought out
because your body betrayed you
Leaving you raw and open
Exposed for all the world to see
 
The unimaginable happens in repeated succession
You open your flood gates releasing his mission
Wrung dry and heaving for air
Clenching to the covers with one hand 
and pulling your hair with the other
 
All this because he said,
“Do you wanna grab dinner?”
And you thought he said,
“Do you wanna fuck with me?”
 
Damn baritones...
I’m just defenseless,
I never even had a chance,
Period!
 
Dedicated:
RJH, you make me want to write nasty scandalous shit, 
and I can definitely get explicit about some dick!
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Author's Note: Thank you for taking the time to read my 
poetic contribution. I know your time is valuable, so thank you for
spending a few minutes here. I appreciate all comments.

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and well.

Be safe. Be well

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Photo Credit_Free Google Photos

Self-Preservation (10/16/20 @ 2:38 PM)

Time has served you well old friend
You’ve aged not one day gone past
The excitement I feel at the thoughts
of you still thrills me
I swoon at the sound of your voice
and my heart can’t be stilled
 
I wonder if you're the same in all manners speaking
Or have you grown to be more than memory serves me
I may not remember how or when we met
But I remember the joy we made in the sack
I don’t know why or how we drifted apart
All I know is that you didn’t break my heart
 
For if you had –
there be no way in hell I’d want anything to do with you
Because if you fool me once, I’m cool
If the only memories I can salvage is your name,
your face and intimate encounters of years past,
and the memories of those in your grace...
I’ll take that
 
We’ve both grown and followed our own paths
We just didn’t know that our journey
would bring us back
Back to the memories, we struggle to recall
Why did we part and leave without cause

I don’t remember and I know you don’t either
Or maybe you’re keeping that secret to yourself as a reminder
That you left something behind that you
shouldn’t have surrendered
 
But, cautious I must remain
Because the years between us
have shown me such pain

I reserve the right to be careful with my heart
because now I know how to be smart
I’m not as trusting as I once was
the years have shown me that people
are who they are
 
but when I think of you I have no ill thoughts
all I can say is I’d like to restart
You know I see that time has served you well old friend
And truly you look well…

Dedicated to_RJH
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Author's Note: Thank you for taking the time to read my poetic 
contribution. I know your time is valuable, so thank you for spending 
a few minutes here. I appreciate all comments.

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and well.
Be safe. Be well

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved
Photo Credit: Unslash - Rui Silvestre

My Dreams – Haiku (10/15/20 @ 5:39 AM)

I manifest you through sleep
And my dreams, I awake and
Soon you are a true existence

Author’s Note: Thank you for taking the time to read this little diddy. I know your time is valuable, so thank you for spending a few minutes here. I appreciate all comments.

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and well.

Be safe. Be well

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Photo Credit: Unsplash – Engin Akyurt

Chick Talk (10/01/20)

Let the “Chick Talk” continue, which is based on advice I’ve shared with either my 32 year old daughter and others. The thought for this segment of my blog came from a discussion I was having with my 32 year old daughter, who lives on the east coast. She and I are very close and talk about everything, so I said to her jokingly, I should do a segment on my blog called “Chick Talk” where I’ll discuss life, love, and the pursuit of happiness from a Black woman’s perspective. I’ll share my years of wisdom, trials, tribulations and elation with the masses.

These entries are meant to help those that need to hear them. For those that feel they’re missing something from their lives. For those that just want plain and simple advice from a different point of view. I don’t intend to cure the world of its ills or cure a person of their misfortunes in life, but to share my experiences, ones that may differ from what you traditionally believe in. I want to share what I know and what I’ve learned. That’s it and that’s all. So here we are…

TOPIC: 5-Year Plan

I have previously mentioned that I’m a Black Woman with a lot of information and experience to share with the masses. With that being said, I feel it only necessary to share a little of my back story with y’all. If for nothing else but to prove that I am an authority on offering life advice.

I was born the oldest of my mother’s children and the second oldest of my father’s children. My childhood was not a happy one and I endured a lot of abuse in many different categories. You name it, and I was abused in that way. I grew up primarily in foster care and aged out of the system at age 18. I went to college right out of high school and was ill-prepared so I dropped out.

I had my oldest daughter right before my 21st birthday and my second daughter at age 34. Two years later I decided to return to college to complete my undergraduate degree, earning a B.S. in Business Management with a minor in Communications.

During my second go-around in college, I worked full-time for the government, two part-time jobs, and carried 18 units per semester to get done with my degree. Yes, this was all done while raising two very impressionable girls. I finished college with a 3.2 GPA and used this new degree to promote upwards within the government.

Today, I have been with the government going on 30 years. I continue to look for promotional opportunities and strive to always look for ways to make my life and my children’s lives better.

The 5-Year Plan:

Somewhere during my life I discovered the importance of always having goals. That without some idea of where you’d like to go in life, the longer it will take you to get there when you finally figure it out. It is for this reason that I have always made, kept and updated my 5-Year Plans.

The list changes from time-to-time but is a constant necessity in my life. It was my need to create and have a 5-Year Plan that helped me buy my first house, my car, finish my degree, and continue to advance at work.

This is not to say that you will accomplish everything on your list, but it’s a great idea to have one so you have some measure of your accomplishments and some measure of how well you’re doing with your life’s goals. Besides helping one focus, it holds you accountable for what you said you wanted. No one likes to look at a list and see they’ve made no progress. Am I right?

I think realistically what I can accomplish within 5-years and map it out. I visit my plan a couple times a month to see what I can check off as done, and plan my next attack.

I often give timelines within that 5-years so I have some idea where I should focus my energy next. For me, there is no greater joy than to check something off as being done. Following is my current 5-Year Plan. I hope that this information is helpful and that anyone reading this, takes this advice and make their own list.

Goals for the Next 5 Years (September 2020 – 2025):

  1. Secure an equity line of credit by the end of 2020
  2. Get my student loans in good standing and start paying them off
  3. Get moved into my other house by the end of January 2021
  4. Completely rent out my first house by the end of January 2021
  5. Get a promotion to Manager I by early 2021
  6. Get mine and my youngest passports by the end of January 2021
  7. Purchase my first rental property by early 2021
  8. Take my first out of the county vacation trip by spring 2021
  9. Pay for my youngest college, fall of 2021
  10. Get my credit score over 800, but hoping for closer to 850 by the end of 2021
  11. Help pay for my oldest college if she isn’t done yet (she’s working on her Ph.D.)
  12. Get a promotion to Manager II by the end of 2023
  13. Publish my first book no later than 2023 (currently in the revision stage)
  14. Purchase my second rental property by mid-2024
  15. Obtain a Master’s degree in writing or communications
  16. Start remodeling my first home (ongoing)

FOCUS YOUR LIFE AND ITS INTENTIONS TO ACHIEVE YOUR DESIRES!!!

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Author’s note: Thank you for stopping by and giving this a read. Comments are always welcomed.

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and healthy.

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Face in the Mirror (06/06/2020 @ 8:20 AM)

This morning I took a good long stare at my face in the mirror

Remembering distanced years –
past and future promises
It’s a face I’m familiar with
And have loved from my first site

I understand it
I know it’s plights
I know the struggles it’s endured
I know the pains it’s survived
I know it’s color had not always been a welcomed surprise

But it continues onward with hidden scars

It smiles with gritted teeth at the ignorance in its presence
Accepting the facts of its reality
That this face –
Just might be society’s approved death sentence

Beautiful though it may be
Is it safe for me to appreciate the promise it holds
Ignoring the threat that white men see,
The disgust screwed across their faces

No hiding behind fake smiles or pretend pleasantries

I took a long look in the mirror today
Remembering all the past experiences
Remembering the future promises
With hope for a future of color blindness…

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Author Note:
Thank you for stopping by and giving this read. I truly it hope it resonates with you and you’re able to truly understand where I’m coming from because these are the times we’re living in.

Please stay safe and be well…

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Photo: Unsplash.com – Photographer Marcus Lewis

Welcome to Hip Hop Wednesdays (05/13/2020)

Hello, Kiddies,

It’s Wednesday and it’s time for another edition on the evolution of hip hop. We’ve previously covered the core idea and concepts that started rap music, making it a mainstream genre. From this point forward, we will be looking at how hip hop (rap music) has evolved over the decades. There are so many artists that specialize in spitting rhythms that it will take me a millennium to share all of them in this blog, but I’ll do my best, little by little.

Last week we looked at the commercialism of hip hop and reviewed the first-ever mainstream rap song to hit the airwaves, becoming popular amongst DJs and club-goers alike. Now we’ll delve into hip hop leading into the 1980s, and how hip hop takes shape and leads the way for today’s artists. Shall we begin? I love hip hop but Prince will always be my first and forever musical love.

Hip Hop Progression

DJ and emcee duos popularized hip hop more than underground parties in the mainstream. Competition forced these duos to up their game and incorporate better beats, sampling techniques, scratching, and improving their rap spitting game, which enhanced the rhythmic flow and complex rhythms into a smooth style of hip hop. Until the release of the first mainstream rap song in the late 70s, hip hop was only performed live, but great hits like Rapper’s Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang pushed hip hop onto vinyl and opened up a whole new musical genre for the record labels.

Rap music started with the message of having fun and enjoying life despite social circumstances. Rappers like Curtis Blow and Afrika Bambaataa’s hits kept hip hop mainstream, not pushing any social agendas or boundaries. That is until the release of Grandmaster’s Flash and the Furious Five hit The Message, which dealt with the socially-inequable life of young African-American and Latin youth living in the East Coast. It had a slow funk groove with melodic synthesizer riffs and talked about social issues, such as poverty, crime, and the stress of living in a dangerous city.

Hip Hop saw a drastic change in the messages it was putting out to the masses. It was no longer about having fun and partying but waking the masses to their reality. Music has always been an influencer in social change and awareness, and hip hop was perfect for this platform. Rap music was changing the way the world experienced life, no more rose-colored glasses.

By the mid-80s hip hop was splitting into very distinct sub-genres that included social awareness, rap-rock, with Run D.M.C. album Raising Hell becoming hip hop’s first top ten rap album followed by hip hop’s first rap-punk album, the Beastie Boys’ Licensed to Ill becoming hip hop’s first number one rap album. Rappers like L.L. Cool J dropped records with softer melodies and catchy melodic hooks.

By the late 80s, hip hop was a stand-alone musical genre that gained the respect of the music industry by canceling thoughts of a passing phase, forcing record companies to take notice and accept that rap was here to stay, for better or worse.

Artists like Eric B. & Rakim and Public Enemy further pushed the envelope of rap music. The duo Eric B. & Rakim album Paid in Full, was one of hip hop’s finest albums that featured sample-heavy beats. Public Enemy brought social-consciousness to hip hop with their genre of political hip hop that demanded political change and an end to racial injustices and racism as a whole.

Well, this concludes the late 70s and 80s hip hop evolution. Next week we will explore the 90s. Until next time…

To the hip hip a hop, you don’t stop the rockin’ to the bang bang boogie say up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie beat… See you next week.

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Author’s note: Thank you for stopping by and giving this a read. Comments are always welcomed.

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and healthy.

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | A CV Davis & Matt Synder Collaboration, All Rights Reserved

Evolution of Hip Hop article reviewed: englishclub.com and colemizestudios.com

Photo courtesy of Google Free Images

 

Part II – Ghetto Girl Rising (Continued)

C is for compromising my self-worth
O is for overcoming diversity
N is for needing to be loved by any means necessary
S is for self-loathing when I knew no other way
E is for the evolution of my soul
Q is for the future queen in me
U is for understanding that all of this isn’t my fault
E is for the essence of my being
N is for all the time I neglected my common sense
C is for controlling my narrative
E is for emerging from the flames victorious
S is for surviving and living to tell the tell

Consequences can only hurt you
if you don’t learn from them
so do better to be better next time…

Consequences can either make you
Or break you
You decide,
the choice is always yours…

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Author’s Note: If you are one of the peeps following this book, thank you for taking the time out to read about Topaz’s life. If you’re new to this book, please take the time to read from the beginning, it’s much appreciated. Plus you don’t want to miss any of the twists and turns of Topaz’s life, right?

Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and healthy. You are important to the world and to me.

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Photo by Leighann Blackwood at Unsplash (Photos for Everyone)

Chapter Seven – Ghetto Girl Rising (Continued)

Our first time together did not happen until after six months, and for sure not until we had our heart-to-heart talk about my past. Jayden wants to make sure it is special, so he rented a room at the Hyatt Hotel.

The Hyatt Hotel is an upscale hotel in downtown Oakland, that has beautiful rooms with all the amenities you could ever want in a hotel. The outside of the Hyatt isn’t much to look at, but the interior is so stunningly crafted with high chandeliers that hang from vaulted ceilings, plush deep green carpet, with a mahogany wood front desk counter, and wood moldings all throughout the lobby with intricately etched designs of cherubs. There is a piano bar and a beautiful fountain with some classic sculpture design of a scantily clad woman. I have never seen anything so spectacular in all my life.

Jayden, holds my hand, as he leads me to the suite he has rented for the weekend, and when he opens the door, my mouth damn-near hits the floor, “Oh my goodness,” this room, like the lobby of this hotel, is incredible, it has a sunken living room that you walk down two steps to be in, a king-size bed with the most expensive and elegant comforter and bed sheets I have ever seen, a sunken jacuzzi bathtub, a walk-in shower, and a hidden stereo system.

“So, what do you think about the room? Do you like it?” Jayden asked with a concerned look on his face.

“I love it! It’s the best thing I’ve ever been in,” I responded embarrassed to admit my life was simple with no perks or uniqueness, well maybe not simple, but it was basic by the standards he had grown up with and for the Hyatt.

“This room was simply gorgeous, and to top it all off, Jayden made the most beautiful all Prince slow jam CD for me. He knows how much I love Prince. I had told him that when “Purple Rain” came out a few years back, I saw it at the theater over 100 times. I would go to the movies and sit there and watch it all day. I just simply swooned over any Prince song when he played it in his ’83 royal blue mustang with its booming-ass stereo system.

The bass in his car stereo rattles my bones when he plays any song. I can feel the pounding rhythms deep in my core. Music has a way of making me feel free and connected to nature. So much so, that the right song under the right circumstances could make me wet with desire. The fact that he took the time to make me an all Prince slow jam CD is truly special. He really cares about me or, “Maybe he just wants me in the mood, so he can get in my pants,” it does not matter because no matter how frigid a person may be, Prince can melt that frigidity clear away in one song. Prince’s music is definitely my weakness. I am talking a straight panty-dropper, no defenses, and no inhibitions whatsoever, all it takes is one song and I am weak for the rest of the evening.

Jayden went all out, ordering lobster dinners from room service, with crème brûlée for dessert and sparkling apple cider. Dinner was D’Lish. During dinner, we talked casually about the events of our day. Jayden went to school and I went to school and work.

“The room is beautiful. Thank you so much for putting so much care and thought into our first time together.” I comment again on the room.

“I just want you to know how much I care about you. I don’t want you to feel like all I want from you is sex. You know that’s not the case, right?” He responded.

He has a way of soothing my fears and putting me at ease, which makes the feelings I have for him grow deeper.

“Yes,” I shake my head, overwhelmed by the emotions flooding my body. I do not know how much longer I can contain myself. I do not wanna come off like some type of freak or sexpot, but he is really getting under my skin.

Jayden walks to the CD player putting my special CD in, and wouldn’t you know the very first song is, “Do Me, Baby”? The music starts in and Prince joins in singing:

Here we are in this big old empty room (We sure are – )

Staring each other down (Umm-hmm)

You want me just as much as I want you (You damn right I do)

Let’s stop fooling around (I know that’s right)

The whole time the song is playing, I have this internal dialogue with it. When Prince gets to the line about, “Take me, baby, kiss me all over,” I am in full striptease mode. I kick off my shoes and start unbuttoning my shirt to peel it off, slowly, seductively, and teasingly. Jayden’s eyes are glued to me as he hums along with the music. I didn’t think dark-chocolate blushed, but I swear I could see Jayden melting right before me,

“Girl, the things you do to me. You’re making me weak.” Jayden said as he licked his full already moistened lips.

It was all his fault, I could melt right there in the middle of the floor, “How did he know that this was my absolute favorite Prince song?” I thought to myself as I continued to sway to the syncopation of the deep rhythmic beats as Prince belts out his invitation to do him, baby.

Jayden walks slowly over to me and holds out his hand, asking me, “Dance with me,” while I’m in the middle of taking off my shirt. I don’t know if I can handle such close contact without ripping his clothes off in an instant, but I oblige, and we come together in the middle of the living room floor, with its deep green shag carpet, and rocked slowly back-and-forth, grinding against each other’s bodies. Feeling our anticipation growing by the second barely able to contain ourselves but using all our faculties to maintain some composure. Jayden wants to take it slow, he doesn’t want me to feel rushed or pressured.

He whispers in my ear, “You okay? This too much?” Catching me off guard, I am so far from my past at that moment, that all I can think is, It’s taking too long for him to make love to me.

While we dance he kisses my cheek, nips at my ear, and lightly sucks on my neck leaving faint red marks of passion where his lips visit, all while his hands run the length of my torso grazing the sides of my breasts with his fingertips at each pass. Everything he did seems to be setting my body on fire, and I do not know how much more I can take. By the time the song ends my nether region is drenching wet and I am so ready to go all the way with him.

I have never been a rapist, and God knows I would never want anyone to feel that way, but in a playful way, at this very moment, I can totally tear all his clothes off and be justified in doing so, due to the amount of teasing he is doing to me. I am so consumed by his actions, I have no foreplay in me to share, I am completely at his mercy and don’t want to escape. I just want to feel him in any way I can.

I am sure he knows that, and I’m sure he takes great pleasure in knowing that my defenses are down, but not in a malicious way, but in that sexy hunting thrilling way. At the rate he was going, I don’t think anything is going to happen.

He surprises me by running a bubble bath for the two of us in the beautiful sunken bathtub.

I am suddenly fully aware of my partial nakedness, I have never felt so exposed in all my life, I thought, even being sexually assaulted didn’t make me feel as exposed, or as bare as I do standing in front of Jayden, hearing my loud inner thoughts as I continue to disrobe.

He looks at me with lingering lustful eyes, eyes filled with desire, and the need to have me to himself. He pours oil and bubble bath into the water, making sure the temperature is just right, not too hot – not too warm, but the right amount of heat. The kind of heat that can make you sweat. It doesn’t matter, because my sweat mingles amongst the bubbles and sitting in water that smells so good, that my sweat smells good also.

We sit at opposite sides of the bathtub while he massages my feet and legs. I take notice and the hint, returning the favor, and massage his feet and legs at the same time. We both moan our satisfaction at each other massaging expertise.

Moaning in unison, “Hmm, that feels so good.”

At some point, I get lost in the moment and forget that I am supposed to be reciprocating his gesture and just melt into the back of the tub enjoying his caresses. He guides my body, leading me to turn around and lean against him, my back to his front. When I do, he wraps his arms around me while he kisses my ears, neck, and cheeks.

Asking me, “Is this OK? Are you comfortable? I really want to make love to you, but I don’t want to pressure or rush you if you’re not ready.”

My insides scream at him, Ready! Man, are you kidding? I’m so fucking ready! I turn my head to face him and can only see the side of his face and say, “You know I’m not made of glass, right? I am 18 years old. I’ve kind of dealt with my past issues, so I’m ready.”

With that reply, we make deep passionate earth-shattering love for the next two days.

After the first time we have sex, I have a nightmare that night about the first sexual encounter I have ever had. I was five years old, and my Uncle Ned was the culprit. My dream takes me back to that day like I’m living that moment in time for the first time all over again.

******************

Uncle Ned sat his overweight smelly body, facing slightly away from me, on the edge of his queen-sized bed, with its tattered bedspread and fading flowers, waving his chubby finger at me, “Come here, I want to show you sumthin.”

The years haven’t been kind to Uncle Ned. He’s lost most of his hair and put on a considerable amount of weight with age. He smells like old stale beer, which makes him smell bad. I don’t think he takes baths, but he’s nice to me when we visit, so I try to be nice to him too.

I walk closer trying desperately to get a better look at what Uncle Ned wants to show me. Craning my neck as much as possible to see but not really seeing anything. What’s he holding? Maybe it’s a surprise, something special, just for me, but his big hands, hands as large as feet, won’t let me get a good look.

The stark room’s only light came from the glow of the television lurking in the back corner bouncing greyish-blue light off the dingy white walls covered in decades of second-hand smoke. The carpet is worn from years of being on the floor.

There’s a TV tray next to Uncle Ned’s huge leg, with a recently discarded plate of food, most of which landed on his dingy sweaty dirty shirt, as well unopened letters resting near the empty plate. I approach slowly because I don’t know what he’s holding. The dimness of the room won’t allow me to see.

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck start to prickle with anxiety and I don’t know why I feel this way. I like Uncle Ned. He’s always been nice to me. He always gives me money for candy at the corner store when we visit Ma’Dear, but today, he’s different. Like he’s got a juicy secret that he can only tell to me.

He smiles at me coyly, showing very little teeth, while he slowly licks his top lip, speaking in a gruff voice tainted by years of smoking,

“Come, girl, let me show ya. If I show you this, you can’t tell nobody bout it. You understand?”

Nodding my reply, “Yes.” I think I understand what he means but I’m not sure. I feel the tension mounting in the pit of my belly.

I don’t want to make him angry. I feel like I can make him angry if I say the wrong thing. I want to be a good girl and do as I’m told. I don’t want to get in trouble. Children are always supposed to respect their elders and do what they’re told.

“This will be our own special secret. Okay?” Uncle Ned said, looking for my confirmation while he beckoned me to come closer to him.

Again, I nod. Each step makes me more nervous. The butterflies in my stomach are in a full panic because I can’t figure out what to expect. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. I just keep putting one tiny foot in front of the other, slowly closing the distance between us.

“Don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you none. I just want you to touch it for me. I’m ma show you how. Okay?” Tilting his head to point to his slightly open legs.

Fear continues to tighten the muscles in my stomach, making my butterflies frantic with panic. I continue forward, taking tinier steps, with tiny feet; wringing tiny fingers behind my back. He didn’t seem to want anything bad. He didn’t seem like he’s gonna hurt me. He just seems weird, a bit off, not his usual playful self.

As a five-year-old, I’m not sure I have the words to describe the feeling in the pit of my belly, but I know I don’t feel right. I feel peculiar. I can’t control my body, nor the pull he has on me. I want to see, but something’s telling me I don’t. I can’t stop my feet from moving towards him. Maybe it’s his sheer will and presence that compels me to keep moving forward so he can show me “sumthin”. The something he’s holding in his hand between his legs, close to the top of his thighs. This does not feel right – when I touched it.

I have no more steps to take. I stand in front of Uncle Ned as he reaches for my hands, “Now there girl, give me both your little hands. They’s so small, you gonna need to use both em.” He says as he places both my hands on what’s between his thighs.

I’ve never seen anything like it before. It was long, hard, and sort of wet, like from sweat or something thick and slick like Vaseline or lotion. It felt warm, warmer than I thought it should be. The smooth part looks slick and shiny. It’s different from the longer part’s skin. It doesn’t look anything like my baby brother’s wee-wee, but it’s in the same place as his, but a lot bigger.

I hold out my hands. He takes them, placing them on the long smooth body part with its slick shiny top. He puts his hands over mine, so I can’t take them back. The pressure of his hands holding mines hurts, making me squirm. I don’t think I care for this surprise. I don’t understand it, it’s not something I know. Uncle Ned starts to mumble incoherently under his breath while moving my small hands back and forth.

“Just like that precious baby,” Uncle Ned said while holding my hands in motion on him. “There you go baby girl, your surprise will be here in a few minutes, okay?” He said in a sing-songy voice.

With eyes wide and curious I ask, “A surprise for me?” What kind of surprise? Where’s he hiding it? I don’t see any surprises. I keep my eyes on Uncle Ned’s face, watching it change expressions. His skin darkening while beads of sweat form on his forehead.

He’s squeezing my hands too tight. My fingers are numb. His thing feels harder. I decided right then and there to call it a ‘thing’ because I don’t know what else to call it. It’s his and it’s on his body, so it’s his thing.

Before I complete my current thought, something whitish and thick comes out the top of his thing. Shocked at what happened, I speak with surprise and curiosity, “Ooo-wee, what’s that?” I ask, he doesn’t answer me.

His breathing is deep and hard. Sweat drips from his face, and small droplets land on my numb fingers. He drops back, seemingly exhausted, on his bed, struggling to catch his breath, “That was good baby girl. Did you see the surprise? Here, clean your hands,” as he hands me a soiled towel from the other side of the bed.

I stand motionless, confused about what just happened. I feel tears that haven’t fallen yet. I won’t cry. Uncle gave me a surprise. I gotta be nice. Nice girls don’t cry when they get gifts. They say thank you.

“You did good baby. Uncle Ned is thankful you such a sweet baby. Now I want you to be a good girl and remember your promise, and don’t tell nobody, kay? Member, you said it was gonna be our special secret, right?” He said, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.

Stunned by the recent events, I nod my reply, while I wipe the sticky whitish stuff off my hands, wondering why he made me touch him there, like that.

After a few moments, he told me, “Get me a beer out the fridge. Get yoself a pop. You did real good for ole Uncle Ned,” winking with a silly smirk on his face.

Walking into the kitchen, tears sit at the ridge of my eyes, burning and blurring my vision. In my head screaming, “I don’t want no pop! I don’t want to drink anything! I just want to find my grandma.” I just want to sit with her and Ma’Dear while they talk about old times and old people, but I got to get Uncle Ned’s beer because I always do as I’m told. I’m a good girl. I don’t get in trouble like my brothers. They always in trouble for doing something they’re not supposed to.

I want to tell them I got a special surprise, that I don’t like much, and tease them about it. I promised Uncle I wouldn’t tell anybody bout his special surprise, and I don’t ever break my promises…

Uncle Ned took the cold beer from my trembling hand, not giving me a second glance and said, “Gon outside and play with yo brothers now. Remember yo promise. Don’t you tell our special secret.” As an afterthought, he tells me, “Next time you come over, I’m ma make sure I give you some money for the corner sto.”

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I remember the silhouette of his body. I remember the events that transpired. I remember how he smells; sweaty and grimy. I remember the roughness of his hands as they hold mine in place tightly under his. I remember his clothes damp to the touch. I remember the gravel in his throat when he spoke. I remember the details of the room where it happened, but not once, can I remember his face.

There is one more thing I remember, how I felt afterward, me standing there confused and scared as if I’d done something wrong. What he did was mean for making me feel that way…

I truly cannot remember his face, but the essence of him haunts my dreams often.

That dream shook me to the depths of my soul. Jayden can never find out, he will never touch me again, or look at me the same. I told him about this incident during our heart-to-heart, because it was my first sexual encounter. I didn’t think it would come back in the darkness and get me. Like I said before, Me and darkness don’t get along and we never will.

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Author’s Note: Thank you for waiting patiently for this chapter. I am still deep into revisions and working on them as quickly as I can. I am happy that you are keeping up with Topaz and the changes her life encounters. She’s still got a ways to go.

Please continue to practice social distancing. Stay safe and healthy.

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Sunday’s Words of Wisdom (05/10/2020)

Hello All My Peeps,

Welcome to another Sunday’s Words of Wisdom post, and Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers of the world, which goes beyond just being a birth mother to a child. There are so many women (and men) that have raised children they were not responsible for bringing into this world, so Happy Mother’s Day to you all as well. So let’s get into this week’s thoughts, shall we?

Carpe Diem = Seize the Day

We’ve all heard of those unfortunate souls that reach the end of the road on their death bed talking about all the things they wished they had done but never found the time to do or all the places they wished they had gone but never found the time to go. Do you really want to be one of those poor souls ending your life in that same fate? Well now that we’re all living this quarantined life, we have the time needed to make a plan to execute some of those dreams, if not all of them.

We’re all saving tons of money from not commuting to and from work or eating out constantly, so why not put that quarantine money to good use. You don’t want to be that poor slub getting to the end of the road wondering, “What if?” You want to be the one that gets to the end of the road with no regrets or uncertainty that you could of, should of, or would of, because when you’re on that last leg of your journey it’s too late for do-overs. No more time for that carpe diem, you will no longer be able to seize the day.

If you ignore this opportunity to execute your dreams, you will end your life on a sad note and even in the days or years leading you to that point in life will have been wasted. It’s better to start now because as long as you have blood pumping in your veins and breath in your body, life can be what you want and say it should be. There is no Que Sera, Sera (whatever will be, will be), it is what you say it is, and only what you say it is. You are in control here.

So I say to you again: Carpe Diem = Seize the Day

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Author’s Note: Thank you for stopping by and giving this a read. You are appreciated. Please continue to practice social distancing to stay safe and healthy.

Peace and Blessings – CV Davis

© 2020 | CV Davis, All Rights Reserved

Photo by Mark Fletcher-Brown on Unsplash (Photos for Everyone)